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Joe The Killer

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[12 Mar 2010|11:48pm]
I just drove under the Lincoln sign
To where New Jersey meets the New York line
And through the tunnel for the last time
With everything crumbling behind
I stood still until I felt the shakes
Of two bodies that were parting ways
I didn't want to be the one to say
I know this hurts but it's time too break

(In) two pieces
The fault line's not secure
A boat, or bridge is needed to get back to her

I feel like I'm paralyzed
When I look at, the empty space left in my bed
(And think about all the things we did)
At least I'm feeling more alive
But I still have, some old weight that, I've got to shed
(Before I find happiness)

I make mountains out of my worries
And I plant pain instead of sturdy trees
I have got to wash these old sheets
So I can fall asleep
There are times, there are times I reach for the phone
To tell you that there might still be some hope
Holding on, holding on to the slack of rope
But that's the whiskey talking, so
(I) hope that you
Can find some peace in life
Can you survive without me cause I thought I'd be fine
Now I'm slurring every single line

I feel like I'm paralyzed
When I look at, the empty space left in my bed
(And think about all the things we did)
At least I'm feeling more alive
But I still have, some old weight that, I've got to shed
I've got to move on before I can find happiness This isn't fair nobody taught me (How to let go) Just be here now and you'll be set free (From sorrow) But at this time, I don't see clearly (How will I know) What is the point, what is the meaning (How to let go) Now I'm struggling
I black out so I can't dream
But I still see you sneaking
Through my weary head
I suffer from a drought
Of medicine to dull self-doubt
I just want to drown you out
With southern poison
If I had a drink
For every goddamn time I think
About your pale skin dressed in pink
Then at least I could sleep
If I had a shot
For every goddamn time I thought
About your face and what I lost
At least I'd get some...
Sleep, sleep, sleep
At least I'd get some...
Sleep, sleep, sleep
Then at least I'd get some sleep
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[06 Aug 2009|07:47am]
If Your Going Threw Hell
Keep Going...
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[30 Jul 2009|01:38pm]
This song made me cry.

He said, 
"Son, Have you seen the world?
Well, what would you say If I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid"
I said, "That sounds pretty good"

Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight

A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends

They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again

A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away

And the shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow
A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust
He said, "Son, have you seen the world"? "Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"


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[19 May 2009|02:09pm]
Ive never felt so exposed
ive never felt so transparent
ive never felt so disgusted with my life
im so angry at who im not
im so angry i gave up and settled for nothing less then the best.

if you dive to deep in the water you cant come up to fast.  if you do the air gets in your blood stream.  and when you reach the air you die. 
how can i get out of the water when i need air to get here soon.
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[08 May 2009|01:50pm]
I'm feeling like I don't belong
I remember when we spoke back then
I was cold and insincere
I was just nineteen and so naive
And didn't care what you feel
Now I see My father's one and only Call is what could have saved me I've seen your face
In pictures with names
That never were framed
She never framed you I can't place the blame, you gave her pain But she lied to me for years. Though she gave me life, I wonder why
She never even feared
That I would
Grow up so self-destructive
Fucked up and indecisive
Ive seen your face In pictures with names That never were framed You were not there
You did not care
I'm not myself
I need to get my life
I need to take my life back
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[11 Feb 2009|09:39am]
I'm walking on broken glass from the wreckage of my past 
I'l be locked up in a cage 'cause I'm a prisoner of my ways
So cut me off- throw me out 'Cause I'm reckless, I'm a reckless
Goddamn son of a bitch!
Thank god I've got a woman with my name accrossed her heart Loving me ain't easy, loving me is hard I'm sorry about the madness, but that's the way it's gotta be 'Cause it takes a crazy woman to love a reckless man like me
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[05 Feb 2009|01:30pm]
That time is here again, prepare to be apart
And it drives you crazy
Each time I go away, the distance gets longer
But it makes us stronger

Should it all come crashing down around me
Would you be there should I stumble or fall
And pick up the pieces

Forget about the shit that we've been through
I wanna stay here forever and always
Standing here in front of all of you
I wanna stay here forever and always

These days are dead again, it's empty from the start
And it drives me crazy
The hours drift away, it hurts to remember
This will soon be over

Should it all come crashing down around me
Would you be there should I stumble or fall
And pick up the pieces

Forget about the shit that we've been through
I wanna stay here forever and always
Standing here in front of all of you
I wanna stay here forever and always

Forever and always
Forever and always
Forever and always

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[26 Jan 2009|09:29am]
im not dead.  but im not alive.
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[18 Dec 2008|07:34am]
I make mountains out of my worries
And I plant pain instead of sturdy trees
I have got to wash these old sheets
So I can fall asleep
There are times, there are times I reach for the phone
To tell you that there might still be some hope
Holding on, holding on, to the slack of rope
But that's the whiskey talking, so
I hope that you can find some peace in life
Can you survive without me?
'Cause I thought I'd be fine.
Now I am slurring every single line.

I feel like I am paralyzed
When I look at the extra space left in my bed
And think about all the things we did
At least I'm feeling more alive
But I still have some old weight that I've got to she'd

I've got to move on before I can find happiness
This isn't fair, nobody taught me (how to let go)
"Just be here now" and you'll be set free from sorrow?
But at this time, I don't see clearly (How will I know?)
What is the point? What is the meaning?

Now I'm struggling and I black out so I can't dream
But I still see you sneaking through my weary head
I suffer from a drought of medicine to dull self-doubt
I just wanna drown you out with southern poison
If I had a drink for every Goddamn time I think
About your pale skin dressed in pink
Then at least I could sleep
If I had a shot for every Goddamn time I thought
About your face and what I lost
At least I'd get some sleep
Sleep, sleep, at least I'd get some sleep
Sleep, sleep, then at least I'd get some sleep...
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[18 Dec 2008|07:25am]
sometimes i seriously hate my mother and father.  all they taught me was a life of fear and self doubt and hate for myself.
They never tried to help me or taught me anything about life.  im so fucking sick right now

There are times when I wish that someone would help me find the person i was, 
or give me a detailed map of the streets spelling 
out the traffic patterns in beeps. 
I am finding saftey in lines, 
they are painted so they can guide. 
Empty tanks and broken wheels take me home. 
Right now i find myself dangling on the edge trying not to fall in 
back where I came from.


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God i suck at writing [09 Dec 2008|08:52am]
My days are like the empty pages
of a Diary no one would pick up

fists hit the pages searching for more
to tear threw pages like years of life
only to end where you started with the emptiness
Searching in the folds and dust for words
that will instill who i am and give me some peace
in this agony of myself

Struggling i try to pull myself out of the pages
only to become bloody from the thousands of cuts
that the pages like years have accumulated

So In this story there's no once upon a time
There Is Only The end.
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[20 Nov 2008|08:53am]
Its been 5 times ive opened this to write something in my journal.  ive closed it every time.  i guess i dont have anything to say.  I think im a person who has thoughts and views on things.   Then i try to write them out to get it out.  I just feel like ive stapled my mouth shut.  Then im just thinking who am i kidding.  Now adays no one cares about anyone but themselfs.  and i know you two are the only ones who read my journal.  But theres So many people who just care about themselfs that im fucking sick to my stomach.  When you could dedicate years to your friends and when you want them to just ask whats wrong or even just have them talk to you or make contact first.  im sick of feeling like im the one who holds everything together.
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The Wolves are at my door [12 Nov 2008|08:24am]
I wish i could explain what im going threw.  the only thing I  have to express it is music.  

Last night I found heaven
It's on the tip of my tongue
And it reminded me of
All the times I was young

I'm catching rain in my open mouth
I used to smile till the day I found out
I have no idea who the hell I've become
It's not who I was, it's not who I love
I want to drown, in a sea filled with novacaine I want to burn, on a beach where the sand Has thousands of needles poking at my skin I lie in bed to the sound, of the wolves at my door They are speaking in tongues While they claw at my floor I never thought it would come to this I'm more yellow than my own piss They're making rounds
Just to even the score
Just open the door
Just open the door
I want to drown, in a sea filled with novacaine I want to burn, on a beach where the sand Is littered with razor blades Littered with razor blades Blades Littered with razor blades I can't hold on, the path is clear
I can't ignore, what's been building for years
There's wolves at the door, I won't hide here in fear Wolves at the door Aaaaaah I look at myself and the things that I've done
Stare away from the mirror and right into the sun
I forgive myself for all of my mistakes
When will I learn, when will I, when will I burn?

I want to drown, in a sea filled with Novocaine
I want to burn, on a beach where the sand
Is littered with razor blades

I gave up on myself a long time ago
To the black clouds I'm swallowed
And spit me out whole

Some times it feels like I'm losing my soul
At least that means
I still have a soul after all



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yellow angels step with care [08 Oct 2008|02:16pm]
As the car begins to roll
I smile as I lose control
This weightlessness is such a gift
'Cause gravity has lost its hold
I see the sky, and then the ground
Kaleidoscope of light and sound
Catching flashes of my life
Just then the house lights all went out
I wanna know myself so bad it hurts
I am a shelf holding on

I said goodbye so many times in my life
I'm surprised it's still so hard for me
To see that I should start living my life
Or I will die unfulfilled and empty

I come to still in the chair
As yellow angels step with care
My spinal cord's still sending shocks
But my life's in need of repair
There's got to be more than this
I don't want to just exist as a hollow house for bones
More every minute
Is there a place where I can start again?


Wake up, you're sleeping
Wake up, you're sleeping behind the wheel
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[08 Oct 2008|02:12pm]
I'm giving up all expectations
That I will live a meaningful life
I once was filled with inspiration
That lion heart has lost his pride

I'm not the person that I thought that I would be
I keep tripping over the same steps
These words are beautiful
Advice is never useful
And I still walk the line held tight with my regrets

I'd rather die than live like this
I gotta give, I'm giving in

Some people never will go crazy
What horrible lives they must lead
I'm gonna try and paint new scenery
And build a window to help me see


I'm not the person that I thought that I would be
I keep tripping over the same steps
These words are beautiful
Advice is never useful
And I still walk the line held tight with my regrets

I'd rather die than live like this
I gotta give, I'm giving in

I have got my eye lids stapled shut
I have failed but I'm used to it
My past is just that
It's a sunken old ship
There will be moments
I pretend that I can raise it up
Up out from the depths

Who the fuck am I kidding?
I was born with the curse of always giving in
Every day is another chance to make peace with myself
But I would rather play dead


Sure it looks easy when it's through borrowed eyes
A hero has a thousand faces, none of them matching mine
Fuck the world, fuck the stars, fuck the person you are
But nothing will matter if I don't give up folding my cards


I keep tripping over the same steps
These words are beautiful
Advice is never useful
And I still walk the line held tight with my regrets
I'd rather die than live like this
I gotta give, I'm giving in


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[02 Oct 2008|02:28pm]
Sometimes i belive it.  that little voice in my head that screams your mothers right.

your a dumb fucking irresponsible fuck up.  your life isnt leading anywhere.  and i hear it 10 billions times over and over again.   i cant take care of myself for 2 weeks.

sometimes i wish i could just scream this or even write it down for her to see how bad it is


If you said that you could kill the things inside me
You’re just a liar, everything inside me is dead
It’s nice of you to think that I could ever be that
But I’m not, I’m just a failure instead
Don’t preach a story of success and gifted thinking 'Cause in the end we're gonna end up the same way Keep on living your whole life on hands and knees 'Cause I'll be standing waiting, life ends the same way The life you've given is a poorly painted picture The colors running and it’s staggering my life A definition of the truth is all I wanted Not mental beating falling short of stupidity
Don't give a speech on your prolific ways of living You speak in vain whether you think you do or not Spreading infection of the truth that leads to sick lies You are the shame inside of me, you are mindrot If you said that you could kill the things inside me You’re just a liar, everything inside me is dead It's nice of you to think that I could ever be that But I’m not, I’m just a failure instead You're so mistaken on the life you think I wanted
I’ll give you credit for the effort you put forth
'Cause as it ends you're gonna start to realize that
Your fucking prejudice and words of wisdom go unheard

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[11 Sep 2008|10:02am]
I was never the right one 
to dare to dream
It's funny what this life has done to me now
You were always the only
To help me see that was a road I must find
A road that was mine
But I'm down to my last I'm standing here alone Looking back on it all But I'm down to my last I'm ready but I'm wrong and I'm blind too
I was never the right one 
to bear the weight
of something fueled by words I learned to hate
You were always the only
to help me see that to love is to shine
In your world I'm blind
But I'm down to my last
I'm standing here alone
Looking back on it all
But I'm down to my last
I'm ready but I'm wrong
and I'm blind too
But I'm down to my last 
I'm ready but I'm wrong
and I'm scared of it all...

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[18 Aug 2008|08:16am]
Fuck.  right now this is the last place i want to be.  a fucking cubical.  waking up and having to be driven here for 8 hours.  for some reason the walls seem closer today.  I seem to be always wrong.  I get home and my dads fucking already bitching about me.  how he wanted me to back my car up so he could mow the lawn but then bitched at how he had trouble getting his truck out of his parking space because my vehicle.  well fuck you.  you told me to put the car there.  Then when i wake up he tells me my grandfather said he would look at my parking break so i  didn't have to bring it to a garage.  well he said that when i had a blown radiator and a water pump.  he didn't contact me for a week in fact my dad had to call him and i basically said my friend was going to fix it.  that's what he does says he will do something then just blows it off.  it shouldn't surprise me.  he didn't want anything to do with my childhood.  they basically disappeared for most my life anyway.  why should it change?  and now that i told my father that i was going to bring it some place he screams that there just going to rape me of money.  but you know what at least it will get done this week.  i wouldn't know when it would get done by him.  all of this is just starting to bear down on me.   i feel like the weight of everything bearing down on me. i hate 90% of my life right now.  all i want to do is be alone again. im sick of always being wrong or made to feel stupid when something that should be done isn't done the way he thinks it should be.

This Dark Road
Another Cigarette
I'm Getting Sick Of This
The End Is Near
I'm In The Thick Of It
And I'll Be There Soon
If You Can Handle It


Just Save Me
From All That I Am

You Save Me
For The Fuck Of It
Save Me
Just Hold Out Your Hand
You Save Me
From All Of It

I Try To Speak Myself
You Can Do It Too
I Need No One's Help
I'm Needing Only You

So Just Pray For Me
And Deliver It
You Never Take From Me
What I'm Giving


Just Save Me
From All That I Am
You Save Me
For The F**k Of It
Save Me
Just Hold Out Your Hand
You Save Me
From All Of It

And All That I've Become
Is You

The Only Good In Me
Is You

And After All Of This
The Day Will Come To Find Out
Will You Take Me
Or Forsake Me
So Pray For Me
Am I Forgiven
For What You Take From Me


Just Save Me
From All That I Am
You Save Me
For The Fuck Of It
Save Me
Just Hold Out Your Hand
You Save Me
From All Of It
Come Save Me

Pray For Me
Am I Forgiven
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[04 Aug 2008|02:23pm]
If I could take the boardwalk and make it beautiful, I would.
I'd like to take the person I was and re-build him into a rose bush.
Slightly protected by thorns, yet open to new patrons.


I have a way with words that are perfect in my own head.
When I write these half witted attempts I feel self pity and that is something I hate.
My life is as special as the Sunday morning paper,
alive for a day, stuffed with adervertisments and social reflection editorials.
If I could make the boardwalk beautiful, I would.

When I hear songs that remind me of the past I hate them at first,
then I fall in love and the right back out of love with them.
There is nothing back there for me.
It is no longer alive, like a bee that has chosen to sting,
It is just a footprint of a moment that is lost and a foolish reaction to fear.

Goddamn this bottle and the tune of the rainbow.
Fuck those happy faces that I long for and worship.
If only I could be so dumb to to think that I am just as meaningful as my mother tells me I am, then at least Id have some pride left

and I could find a way to make the boardwalk beautiful again.

The older I get the less I feel the need to care and,
The more everyone I know seems to care more.

I need to stop thinking about making the board walk beautiful.
This is bad poetry at it's best.
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[10 Jul 2008|01:41pm]
like i always said.

what doesnt kill you

makes you stranger
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